Who am I?

As It Happens

I sometimes often feel like I don’t know who I am anymore.

I know who I was. I was a career woman. I was busy. I was important. People knew who I was.

Then we decided to have a baby. Looking back I don’t think I really knew what I was getting into, but I thought I was ready.
I don’t know if I would have ever been ready, if I knew how this all turned out.

I gave birth, and became a mother. The single most important job in my life.

I got involved in playgroups, coffee groups, music for tots, and all sorts of things. I had friends. I was happy.

I got pregnant again. A planned pregnancy. And it was hard. I lost the baby. A miscarriage. Tests were done. The baby was ‘incompatible with life’. Whatever that means.

I didn’t grieve. I thought if I could replace the lost baby with another one, it wouldn’t hurt so bad.

And so my second child came along. A reflux baby. I had post-natal depression. I didn’t know how bad I’d got. I clammed up. I thought that if I was a real mum, I’d be able to do it. That I should be able to cope. But I couldn’t. I had days where I just cried. I had times I wished I was dead. I felt guilty for not loving my babies as I thought I should. I tried. But my best was never good enough.

My husband told me it was over. That he wasn’t happy. After fighting for 13 years to keep it together, I agreed. It was over.

Alone with my children, I fell deeply in love with them. I adored being with them. Spending time with them. Playing with them. Cuddling them. Getting to know them. Being their mother. I finally got over the hatred for myself, at the fact that I couldn’t love my children. I started healing.

And then I fell in love. He had 3 kids, but I knew it was meant to be.

We moved in together, and I became a partner, and a step-mother overnight. Life wasn’t all roses, but it was worth the odd thorn.

But who am I now? A mother. A step-mother. A wife. A divorcee. Sometimes it feels like it’s hard to justify all the emotions that go with being all of these things at once.

Life is a process, of loving, hurting, forgiving, and moving on. I am forever changing.

8 Comments

  5. Heather

    Parenthood is hard. I’m married and sometimes feel like I’m a single mom, doing it by myself. The few moments at night where I get a little help from the hubs…doesn’t seem enough sometimes…but it is what it is and one day I will be a career person again…but I’ll also be a mom and even though there are days I want to scream and pull my hair out, I know this is what its meant to be. Hang in there. The parenthood isn’t a walk in the park like some believe it to be. Its hard and tough and sometimes makes you feel insane. But thats all normal. Then you move on and become an empty nester and wish for the days of chaos back. I’m definitely not there yet. Don’t even have grade school kids, but I understand the choas and the loneliness stay at home moms can feel sometimes.

  7. Simone

    Wow, what an amazing summary of your life’s journey… I guess all these things that have “happened” are not YOU. they’re just things that have happened. You are whoever you are deep inside, not a label, or even many labels.
    I loved reading this and felt very privileged to do so.
    Thankyou for sharing, truly.
    x

  8. Mrs K

    Thanks Simone. You know that feeling where you’re just holding on to something, and in the end it’s hurting you? That post let me get a lot of things out, and certainly helped me feel better.

    Thank you for reading.

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