No one has the right to judge

One night, when I was still living with my ex, he got violent, making holes in the wall, and while my kids, my 2 pure little angels, watched.

That night, something in me died. I fell out of love with him. Instantly. I would not let him have the right, to make my kids afraid, of him, or for me.

Over the next weeks, and months, I tried to ‘make it work’, and ‘get the feelings back’, but it was gone. Any love that I felt, was gone, taken over by the mothering instinct to protect my cubs.

I waited. I knew if I waited long enough, he would break up with me, as he seemed to do so on a regular basis. Every few years he would say it was over, and I would beg, cry, plead, and tell him I would fix it, that I would make it better.

And finally, months later, the night came. He told me that it was over. And I looked at him, with a tired smile, and said “Yes.”

He moved out of our bedroom straight away, I made sure of it, and told the kids, friends and my family, that it was over. It was such a relief. I felt better than I had in months, it was finally over.

I had the support of family, and friends. I was relaxed, I laughed again. I felt I was doing the best thing that I could do for my babies.

The ex didn’t take it so well. He wasn’t used to me not making it better. He had expected me to fix it, like I always had, only this time I was fixing it properly. No more super glue. No more duct tape.

We agreed that I would stay in the house, that it was best for the children, to not have to move. So he moved out. But he kept coming back to the house, and would let himself in at all times of the day and night. He continued following me. Finally I told him that I would have to move out to my own place, as he couldn’t restrain himself, and just let me be.

I found a house, and moved out. The children and I were very happy. My son said how he was so pleased that  he saw Daddy so much more than he used too. It was working out well for us.

I had a friend, who was very supportive. He was a single father, and knew the pain of separation, especially with children, and what I was going through. He helped me through several rough patches.

One day the ex saw his car in my driveway. The next day, after multiple abusive texts, he came to my house, banging on the door, screaming through the windows. I was inside, in tears, with the children clutching onto my legs. They were terrified of this man they called Daddy. I called the police. Sobbing I told them that I was scared, and what he was doing to my children. They turned up in minutes, and he left the premises.

I knew then, that the only way forward for me, was to carry on with my life. I had been waiting for months to move on, and now I had to run. I had to make sure my kids knew that Mum was ok, and that I was able to do this.

I fell in love.

I will never apologise for that. There is no ‘right’ time, for a new relationship to start, after an old one finishes.

I fell in love. And the love helped me heal. I knew it was ok to love again. That I could trust again. That I would be ok again. I would never be the same, but I would be ok.

And my ex made me pay.

Texts telling me I was a dirty whore. Emails telling me that I never gave him a chance. Phone calls, arguing, pleading.

Then he got mad. He emailed all my friends, old workmates, family, telling them that I had cheated on him. Whatever he said, touched people’s hearts. And they told me they could no longer be friends with me. Worse then that, they told me I was not worthy of friends.

It’s taken me a long time.

A long time.

But I’m ok. And I am in love. And I am worthy.